today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
