i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
