I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
