1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
