Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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