You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
