After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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