Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
