OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
