a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
