Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
