dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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