you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
