plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I did not marry a roomba.
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