This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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