My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Your tits are I can't wait for
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
