i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
