i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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