dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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