We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize