There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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