I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Randomize
