I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You brought string cheese to the strip club
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize