So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
