Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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