My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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