i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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