is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So much rum. So many feels.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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