On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
