I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
