the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
