the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
