Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
