Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
