so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize