I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
