he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
