just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
