She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
