you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
