Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
