Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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