When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
