We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
