I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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