Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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