I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
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