You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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