Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
vagina is talking i cant
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
