Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
