I just threw up on my dentist
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
