Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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