I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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