Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
