a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize