I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
