I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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