you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
